Have You Ever Noticed.....

Most seniors would be lying if after hitting the "golden years" they didn't hear themselves asking THEMSELVES..."IS THIS IT?" Well, I don't think this question is one we should ignore..quite the contrary..I think we should be asking this question and even more and never relent 'til we have the answers!
After several hours of contemplation I've come to realize the "Golden Years" may be more of a gift than we recognize. Remember the many times in your lifetime you heard yourself say .. "Oh..really? I didn't notice!"
I've always had to wonder about people who respond saying they hadn't noticed. I have to wonder what they were noticing if not that? How could they have missed it? Are they blind? How sad they didn't notice..

Could it be one purpose of these so-called "Golden Years" is that they provide us with the time
to notice all of the things we never had the time to notice before..... things like never noticing..

what a nice day it was..
how the brother's kid has grown..
the smooth ride..
the neighbor's flowers ..
your new hairdo..
the weird weather ..
how tasteless the strawberries are..
that coffee costs $10 a pound ..
the wreck down the street..
the taxes going up..
the music being too loud..
the $60 it costs to fill the tank..
the headlines in today's paper..
the guy on the corner holding a sign..
the people waiting in line..
how late the mail was..
what time it is..
the dirty clothes on the floor..
the protestors at city hall..
the number of "For Sale" signs..
the garage sale sign on the corner..
the garbage that needed to be taken out..
the number of people on the beach flying kites..
how cold it is..
all the guys fishing ..
his kid's potential..
the deterioration of his quality of life..
the guy stealing the car from across the street..
that his garage had been broken into..
the article that said "No Increase in SS" for the 3rd year..
the sign that said "road construction"..
that he was growing old..
what is going on in the world..

I don't know about you but if this is what I'm supposed to be doing with these "Golden Years"..
noticing all the things I have never noticed before then I'm going to start with my chair on the edge of Siletz Bay..just like the seniors in the picture above..where I can notice every wave that comes in, every sea lion stalking the water for food, every piece of driftwood that floats by and every seagull that flies by... yep...maybe that's the answer...using this time to notice all that we've missed ..

Your Best Is Good Enough!

What can a person say about this sky? Not much!
Hidden in its total beauty was this one small pocket of rain...not enough to even make it to the ground but nevertheless it was proof to me that nothing in this world..not even a spectacular sky like this..is perfect!
You always try do your best because that's what you've always been encouraged to do but even a person's best isn't always perfect. I remember as a child I always tried to do my best.. only in spite of my efforts someone else always got the accolades. I realized something was wrong but I wasn't quite sure what it was. My 3rd-grade teacher..Miss Harvey..probably brought this home to me better than anyone else. She was a blessing in my life because she always had a hug for me which I didn't get anywhere else but nevertheless she was also a teacher and she hugged all the kids!
I remember Miss Harvey using the word "perfect" many times during the school day saying things like..John had a "perfect" score on his test today," or "This is a 'perfect' day for.." whatever it was..but then I also remember her saying "this isn't what I would call perfect but it's okay.!"
Miss Harvey not only taught me good English but she also taught me, at least, to believe that there was/is perfect and not perfect in this world and I grew up thinking this was true. However nothing I ever did was perfect..at least nobody ever told me it was..and throughout my life I can't really remember anything ever being "perfect" in my life even though I have chapters I wouldn't give up for the world regardless of their lack of perfection! You know what I'm talking about I'll bet.. You go to the beach and it pours down rain. You raise 3 kids and they grow up having nothing to do with each other...You watch your marriage(s) go out the window..along with your dreams...You are dealt the A-K of hearts and still lose..You buy a new dress and grow out of it..Your "perfect" new car now needs $350 of work done...You live your life and die..certainly not what most would consider perfect!
Well, I've stopped beating myself up believing my best is never going to be enough because it's good enough for me and at this point in my life I am the one who matters! Who needs the beating we oftentimes give ourselves for not being perfect anyway! Not you..and in this Final Chapter .. sure as heck not me! I now look back at my my life and I pat myself on the back. I've survived regardless of the lack of perfection...and so have my kids and the ex-husbands regardless of any relationships won or lost...
I would never have argued with Ms. Harvey but today I'm convinced she was the one missing something because what I've found is that nothing is perfect in this world. Is that a bad thing? No, quite the contrary. In fact, the picture above proves..at least to me..that even an otherwise perfect blue sky marred by a fleeing pocket of rain can be one of the most spectacular and BEST sky shots I've ever been blessed to see. My Olympus camera isn't perfect...but the picture above is definite proof my Olympus is obviously one of the BEST...so WHO NEEDS PERFECT.......right?

Golden Blue..

Can you imagine driving down a country road..

a gravel road few even know exists..and after a mile of winding through a few trees admiring the picturesque barnyards of the past the woods become more dense. Finally you reach the top of what's probably the only hill in the area. If you're just out cruising around then you have had to shift down to 2nd gear to get to the top.

Now going much slower you have time to absorb some of the beauty of of this yet untouched spot on our earth. As you come up to the top of the hill you see a wide spot on the side of the road just ahead of you. There are a couple of cars parked there and you see a trail leading into the thin strip of trees but you can't see anything beyond that unless you walk down the trail..and what do you see?

This amazing sight..a man-made lake swallowed up by nature. A place where peace is defined..A place where there's no need for color to be refined..A place of true reflection. You stop. You look. You wonder if it's real. It's so quiet.

A few men fishing..standing as quiet intruders yet not moving...You wonder if you should take another step. Will you wake up from a dream? Is that what this place is..a dream? Seriously!

I was overcome with awe years ago when I was so fortunate as to stand on the edge of the Grand Canyon.

I stood there for 6 hours just looking at the Grand Canyon . It was unreal. You looked at it but didn't believe what you were seeing. I remember saying over and over that I just couldn't believe it! How could there be something so spectacular? And now again here I stood..this time in awe of this lake. Was it real or had my imagination merely been freed up?

Finally after what seemed to be an eternity I couldn't stand there any longer but I couldn't leave either. I sat down on the tall grass and looked at the lake trying to absorb the colors so I would never forget them.

As I sat looking around I wondered how I'd lived my life not knowing this place existed. It is just a few miles away. All these years I could have had a perfect place of escape just minutes from my cage! Maybe no one knows it is there..no one but the fishermen. Why else would anybody stop?

I thought there's gotta be something else here..I looked around but nothing..no sidewalks.. no bike trails..no signs..no lights..no noise..no kids screaming..no trains rocking the house..no traffic driving by..just a wide spot on the side of the road with a pathway beaten down by men of determination..fishermen..a pathway leading somewhere out of this world. It's unreal.

Remind me next time. I'll take you there.

Walking the Dog

From time to time you have to wonder if you aren't losing your mind. Like last night hoping for a sunset I had driven to the field at the Austin School to wait. With Chehalem Mountain on the north, Parrot Mountain on the east and the Dundee Hills on the west it has to be one of the best spots in the entire Willamette Valley for photo shoots of sunsets.

I picked up my camera and my dog, Minnie, was always ready to go..waiting by the door knowing I was going.. We went to the car and she jumped into her seat bracing herself against the door because nothing was going to stop her from being the first one out of the car!

The sky was already awesome. I couldn't wait. I pulled up to the curb. The new wide street winding over what was once choice farmland had not a car driving by. Minnie and I were the only ones there. I wondered why there weren't throngs of people watching this spectacular show.

I grabbed up Minnie's leash and my camera and hurried to get out of the car. I wasn't going to miss a shot of this one! While I stood there in absolute awe of the artwork already painted in the sky Minnie had wasted no time. She was racing in every direction chasing the birds out of the freshly mowed hay field. It was all I could do to hold her back.

With my Olympus in hand I finally stood focused on the first picture when Minnie reached the end of her rope, and let me just say nothing stops her but the end of her rope! This threw me ajar and I dropped her leash and she went flying after the birds while my camera went also went flying. Damn! I started yelling "Minnie, get over here..get over here NOW!".. like I thought she was going to come when I called her! I gave up. I picked up my camera and stood there to my surprise hosting an amazing revelation! Here we were..me and Minnie in the middle of what was once a productive farm..now mere property surrounded with houses and even a school..obviously struggling to maintain its identity.

I decided I wasn't going to yell anymore nor was I going to chase after Minnie but instead would let her enjoy her freedom. I stood there watching as this dog..this child .. was finally free of her leash..free of her controller..running wild..breathing free for the first time...! And it all came together! Now that I have Minnie I have become a controller..the very thing I've always hated..yet now here I am holding the leash..I say when we go, when we eat, when we sleep, where we go.

BUT WAIT A MINUTE..I have spent most of my lifetime resisting control.. SO somebody tell me how now, at this point of my life, after being controlled all my life by my mother, my kids, my work, my finances, my health, my husbands, etc. and only recently finding mental freedom from all of this..HOW? HOW NOW have I ended up thinking I wanted or needed a dog to live with me. HOW? What was I thinking? My son had said think about it mom..but I got the dog anyway. I was going to love having a dog again..we would go for walks together..a dog would be a reason to get up in the mornings..somebody to be a friend to..unconditional love..you know..like when you were a kid..your dog was all that mattered to you.. And now here you are...here I am..at the ripe old age of old age standing alone in the midst of somebody's hay field realizing I have this dog..and I have no choice..I have to control her..I can't lose the grip on that leash..or I will be the one who has to chase her down! Only my newfound revelation is interesting in that just realizing I am controlling her...I have also just realized it is Minnie who is actually controlling me!

No longer can I get up in the mornings when I'm ready. I have to get up because she's ready. I can't have my coffee when it's ready because she has to eat because she's ready. I can't sit here quietly staring out the window anymore because she's on my lap salivating! I can't give her a bath without my having to have a bath, and I can't leave her home alone without a tremendous burden of guilt, and when I sit here eating my burrito she looks at me like I owe her a bite.. like I'm denying her..

I even find myself tip-toeing around the house so I won't wake her from her nap! WHAT GOES HERE? Who is taking who for a walk?

Retirement ?

In the past few years I've often considered the word "retirement." It is interesting to me that in the creation of our society that someone came up with the idea that after a person has worked most of his (or her) life that he should be able to "retire!" To "retire" from working? I'm not sure people ever stop working.

One dictionary says retirement is "..the period at the end of a career when a person stops working to relax and enjoy their savings!" The same dictionary defines
"retire" as "to withdraw to a place of privacy" and (2)to remove from active service!" Wow how many of us would love that! I had to laugh at this because I was a person who had at least 25 careers and I never got to retire from any of them before it was time to start the next one. And "savings?" What savings? I have never had any savings, and with the economy crashing the way it has in the past 2 years I find some consolation because unlike millions of others who lost their savings I, at least, didn't have to go through the pain of losing mine!

Also, I had thought having retired years ago, that moving back to this quiet trailer park that I would finally be "withdrawing to a place of privacy"..not withdrawal from humanity but withdrawal to privacy! How wrong I was. We all know that when you have 3 or 4 people in a group there's always one who wants to know about the rest and this place is no different. A few residents here make a point of stopping by every day. Their questions are always the same. Where was I yesterday? What did I do last night? I saw you had company! When I realized these nice neighbors were violating my privacy I said no more. Now I answer their questions but never give the answers they are hoping for. "Yes, I was gone last night!" "I didn't do much of anything last night!" Needless to say they are frustrated when they leave..still not knowing what I did or where I was last night!

"Retirement" means not having to work, doesn't it? Then why is it some days I work my tail off from morning 'til night? I don't think retirement is what it's cracked up to be. For some retirement can be their undoing. They have nothing to do and can't think of anything they want to do. Most have nowhere they want to go, and they see their lives, in effect, as being finished. They sit in their chairs the rest of their lives watching the Young and Restless and the 6 o'clock news and eventually their lives end.

For myself and I'm sure others as well it may be a different scenario. I am reminded of the neighbor who stopped by one day and said, "Pat, why are you always working?" I had spent countless hours working to restore my yard so it would look like somebody lives here, but after pondering her question I said, "As long as I have something to do I'm going to do it, and if there's nothing to do I will find something to do because I'm not leaving this world sitting in my computer chair!" We both laughed.

There's a lot to say about retirement but one thing I found was that it took me several months to get it in my head that my time was now my own. I could come and go as I wanted no longer being restricted by time. I could spend 3 hours walking the floor at Wal-Mart if I wanted to, and I no longer had to be home early because I didn't have to get up early. There were no deadlines, nowhere I had to be and nobody waiting. Once I got the hang of it I realized retirement wasn't all that bad but I have to admit I still wake up at the crack of dawn even though there's no alarm clock going off.

Some see retirement as the first page of their final chapter i.e. the end! They move into retirement centers or assisted living facilities. Not me. I'd rather live in a tent in the mountains! Some do see retirement as the end. I don't see it that way. I see retirement as a time to end procrastination, a new beginning, a time to do all the things I've always wanted to do but never could do before, a time to go down roads never traveled, a time for exploring nature and myself! And interestingly the only fear I have about living in retirement is that it means I'm old and each day no matter how much or little I work I'm still getting older, and the only worry I have today is that I will live so long somebody at the DMV will one day decide I'm too old to drive! That will be the end for me..not retirement!

Why Haven't You Written?

Nearly a year ago my son called one morning telling me he had bought a mobile home for me, that he wanted me to move back home, and that he would be coming up to move my stuff in just a few days! I think that day was the first day of the rest of my life. God only knows I was bored out of my mind living in Vancouver. I didn't know anybody and the price of gas was bankrupting me. My social life consisted of a monthly walk-through at Wal-Mart and a weekly Spicy Chicken sandwich at Carl Jr.'s. It didn't take much thought. I started packing that day and a few days later we filled the pickup and headed back to Oregon. I was overwhelmed with the move and you may have heard me saying, "This is it! I will never move again!" Well, you've probably heard me say it before too. In fact, I've probably moved more often than anyone I've ever known, and not always out of choice but nevertheless in doing so I've left Oregon a dozen times only to eventually return! I guess you could say I'm an Oregon addict. I get high standing on the edge of a field of fresh-blooming red clover like in the picture above. I get high standing on the banks of Oregon's rivers, watching the sun come up behind Mt. Hood, standing on the beach in the midst of a windstorm and watching the unbelievably beautiful Oregon sunsets are a high like none other! Is this the reason I haven't been writing? Well, being a total computer illiterate and

not knowing how to transfer my blog from one server to another was part of the reason and the other part..well, rack it up to sightseeing!

The First Page of this Chapter

Opening the first page of the final chapter of your life isn't always the bowl of cherries you thought it would be. You find that it's one page at a time and some pages you read 3 or 4 times before you wake up one morning and realize the truth is your life is never again going to be what it always has been.

Unless you bake a cake for everybody's birthday you realize you are no longer productive, you aren't needed, you aren't counted on for anything much and boredom can easily set in.

People will tell you that you have to exercise. You just can't sit there all day the rest of your life but if you don't make a concentrated effort to get up then that's what you'll end up doing..sitting!

You don't even make your bed every day. Why bother, right? You'll even spend an extra dime to buy larger garbage bags so you don't have to make the trip to the dumpster as often!

You realize you have few, if any, friends out there anymore.. they've moved or you've moved or they've died and all of a sudden you're out there all alone, and that, my friends, is the pits! You not only have to trudge all over Wal-Mart by yourself but now you've got to go garage-sailing by yourself too!

The true blow is the morning you admit to yourself that your body is no longer fit as a fiddle. Let's face it, you no longer jump out of bed ready for the day. And some days after jumping out of bed you end up right back in bed because of your jumping! Some mornings it's a kink in your back or a cramp in your neck and the last thing you'll be doing is jumping!

Instead of lunch at the Chinese buffet it's a doctor's appointment you have to keep, and before being able to relax the rest of the day you have to hit the drug store for more pills! You know how it goes.."just take these pills and come back in a month, and if you have any problems just give me a call!" And you are thinking yeah, sure, why would I call you if I have more problems when you didn't fix this problem..and sure, fella, like I'm going to come back!

Instead of being able to run the 5K like you used to do some days you wonder if you will be able to make it to the mailbox and back! You realize it's too late for you to do anything to make this a better world so you turn off CNN and instead watch the Price is Right because the price is always right for somebody and you get as excited as they do, and it's not a 5K run but it's a glorious feeling nevertheless..being excited about something..anything!

Thanks to chronic pain you don't play golf anymore. You don't dance anymore. You don't go camping anymore, and you don't pick strawberries anymore because you have to bend over to pick them and you might not be able to get back up! Instead you faithfully watch the Young and Restless because it reminds you of the dysfunctional family you used to have, and you have to watch Dr. Phil because let's face it..a person can't have too many doctors!

When you get to the final chapter you no longer stand in front of the mirror admiring the person you have become. Instead you stand there asking yourself how the hell this has happened to you! The grey hair..the wrinkles from years of unnecessary worrying, the sunspots because you always had to have the "best tan," the sagging cheeks and not a clue as to what has caused them, and the permanent dark circles under your eyes that even Revlon can't hide. Instead of admiring your maturity you wonder if maybe you should audition for the next Spiderman movie!

You know you've reached the final chapter when your kids are so old they are the ones forgetting things. They forget to send your birthday card or the mother's day. You ask yourself what you did to deserve this but you can't remember what it was only I'll never forget the kid of mine who recently even forgot to buy me a Christmas present. When all the presents had been opened I said okay, where's mine, thinking they must have some kind of surprise waiting for me. The answer I got was mom, sorry! But don't worry mom, you're gonna have a great birthday present instead! I am? I won't be sending you a note to remind you of it!

One day you realize you are no more than a target. Now because you are a "senior" you can look forward to an overwhelming amount of trash mail, credit card offers, AARP stuff, telemarketing calls and piles of what seems to be continuous government forms which you have to fill out..or else.. and eventually in the worst scenario in order to survive this heavy workload you are forced to hire a caregiver to help you which costs you your last dime.

Sometimes in this chapter of your life you get lucky. Somebody will put their arm around you..and maybe even give you a hug. Wow, does that ever feel good. You remember the love affair you had years ago but at this point having a love affair is something you just dream about. However, Tina Turner says that "age is just a number," and if this is so then there might be some reason to hope. ME..is he going to put his arms around me? I should be so lucky.....!

Unfortunately we never know how many pages the final chapter will hold. I guess if we knew we would probably go do everything we wanted to do before we got to the last page, and we would have given away any belongings we might have left before we closed the book, and we'd be outside sitting on the curb waiting for the bus! Too bad it doesn't work that way!

You hear people say next week I'm going to clean my carpet, or maybe it's next summer I'm going to spend more time at the beach. You know how it goes. Somebody might even call and say, hey, ya wanna go have Chinese food, and you in your lazy state of mind say how about if we go tomorrow night? We certainly take a lot for granted during our lifetime but now that we are seniors we think a little differently. Tomorrow night might not come, and next summer? Sorry, but I'm going right now. Chinese food? Yes, right now! Vegas? Get in the car!

Let's face it. We've made it through all these years so how many more years can we possibly have? All the women on my mother's side of the family, except my mother, lived to be at least 90 years old. Am I going to last that long? How many more summers can I look forward to..6, 7, 3 ? The fact is I can't guarantee that there will be any summers after this one and this one is only half over!

Oh well, what difference does it make, right? We've all had a good life. Whatever is left at this point is the frosting for the cake..if we can get the frosting to the cake before we've devoured it. I don't know about you but I'm going to try something different. Rather than sit here wondering what to do with this, what might be the last day of my life, I'm going to plan my day as if it were the first day of the rest of my life, and who knows, by doing it this way maybe I'll live to be 103. If not I guess it's not going to matter anyway, right? One thing I do know for sure..if I am so lucky as to get through the first page of this chapter then I'm only going to read it once regardless of how many pages it has!