Walking the Dog

From time to time you have to wonder if you aren't losing your mind. Like last night hoping for a sunset I had driven to the field at the Austin School to wait. With Chehalem Mountain on the north, Parrot Mountain on the east and the Dundee Hills on the west it has to be one of the best spots in the entire Willamette Valley for photo shoots of sunsets.

I picked up my camera and my dog, Minnie, was always ready to go..waiting by the door knowing I was going.. We went to the car and she jumped into her seat bracing herself against the door because nothing was going to stop her from being the first one out of the car!

The sky was already awesome. I couldn't wait. I pulled up to the curb. The new wide street winding over what was once choice farmland had not a car driving by. Minnie and I were the only ones there. I wondered why there weren't throngs of people watching this spectacular show.

I grabbed up Minnie's leash and my camera and hurried to get out of the car. I wasn't going to miss a shot of this one! While I stood there in absolute awe of the artwork already painted in the sky Minnie had wasted no time. She was racing in every direction chasing the birds out of the freshly mowed hay field. It was all I could do to hold her back.

With my Olympus in hand I finally stood focused on the first picture when Minnie reached the end of her rope, and let me just say nothing stops her but the end of her rope! This threw me ajar and I dropped her leash and she went flying after the birds while my camera went also went flying. Damn! I started yelling "Minnie, get over here..get over here NOW!".. like I thought she was going to come when I called her! I gave up. I picked up my camera and stood there to my surprise hosting an amazing revelation! Here we were..me and Minnie in the middle of what was once a productive farm..now mere property surrounded with houses and even a school..obviously struggling to maintain its identity.

I decided I wasn't going to yell anymore nor was I going to chase after Minnie but instead would let her enjoy her freedom. I stood there watching as this dog..this child .. was finally free of her leash..free of her controller..running wild..breathing free for the first time...! And it all came together! Now that I have Minnie I have become a controller..the very thing I've always hated..yet now here I am holding the leash..I say when we go, when we eat, when we sleep, where we go.

BUT WAIT A MINUTE..I have spent most of my lifetime resisting control.. SO somebody tell me how now, at this point of my life, after being controlled all my life by my mother, my kids, my work, my finances, my health, my husbands, etc. and only recently finding mental freedom from all of this..HOW? HOW NOW have I ended up thinking I wanted or needed a dog to live with me. HOW? What was I thinking? My son had said think about it mom..but I got the dog anyway. I was going to love having a dog again..we would go for walks together..a dog would be a reason to get up in the mornings..somebody to be a friend to..unconditional love..you know..like when you were a kid..your dog was all that mattered to you.. And now here you are...here I am..at the ripe old age of old age standing alone in the midst of somebody's hay field realizing I have this dog..and I have no choice..I have to control her..I can't lose the grip on that leash..or I will be the one who has to chase her down! Only my newfound revelation is interesting in that just realizing I am controlling her...I have also just realized it is Minnie who is actually controlling me!

No longer can I get up in the mornings when I'm ready. I have to get up because she's ready. I can't have my coffee when it's ready because she has to eat because she's ready. I can't sit here quietly staring out the window anymore because she's on my lap salivating! I can't give her a bath without my having to have a bath, and I can't leave her home alone without a tremendous burden of guilt, and when I sit here eating my burrito she looks at me like I owe her a bite.. like I'm denying her..

I even find myself tip-toeing around the house so I won't wake her from her nap! WHAT GOES HERE? Who is taking who for a walk?