I'm starting over...

THE FINAL CHAPTER
by Pat Haight

I started this "book" a few days ago not really sure what I was going to write. After struggling through a couple chapters I realized what I want to write about isn't about my past, it's about now..the senior years of my life..the final chapter.

In the past 5 years since turning 65 I've wished many times there was a book that would not only ready me for being a senior but which would offer suggestions on how to deal with all the challenges. Well, I'm finding this chapter of my life so interesting that I feel a responsibility to share it with anyone who is interested because it is not only a preparatory for your future as a senior but it may end up being downright entertaining!

Not long ago I was telling my daughter about my loneliness and feelings of uselessness and her answer to me was, "Do something worthwhile!" Since receiving that email from her I have racked my brain trying to come up with something I could do that would be worthwhile. After serious consideration of what may or may not have been possible options I decided I was being called to write this book. In all honesty I have to say that in the past 70 years there have been at least that many people who have told me I should write a book...so it's now or never!

I was going to start this book at Day 1.. 70 years ago.. but by Day 5 I was ready to throw in the towel. Like most people I have relived my past over and over again and for what..only to mentally return to the happy times not being able to feel the joy, or returning to the many mistakes and not being able to change them, or returning to the sad times only to have to wipe even more tears? How masochistic must we be?

What is "masochistic?" For many years I didn't know what it was until my husband and I were referred for marriage counseling. After nearly 10 years of marriage to an alcoholic I was a near basket case yet I still had hopes of saving my marriage. The first session wasn't what I had hoped for. The counselor had finished with me when he started putting my husband on the rack, asking him if he felt any responsibility for the deterioration of our marriage. He stormed out of the room never to return. I continued with the counseling a couple more sessions until one day when the counselor left the room for a few minutes. His notes were laying on the chair. I turned my head and what I saw were his notes that said I was "borderline masochist!" Was he kidding me? I wasn't the one with the drinking problem!

It was several more years when I decided this headshrink must have known what he was talking about because one day I realized that's exactly what I was..a masochist! I immediately took actions to change my behavior. I didn't want to be the one they labeled as the sicko! I started taking responsibility for myself. I started doing what I wanted to do the way I wanted to do it. I started saying no. My self-esteem was revitalized to the point that I was finally able to separate myself from my past and to move forward.

Now don't get me wrong. As miserable as some of my life has been it hasn't all been bad. I really had a pretty good life considering most. I grew up in a small town. I had a good education. I had a dad who worked and a mom who stayed home with my brother and me unlike kids today who oftentimes don't even know who their parents are..only that they're not there!

I grew to love nature, the rivers, the lakes, the ocean and the sky thanks to my dad who spent every weekend of his life and mine fishing Oregon. While he stood on the banks of one of Oregon's great rivers waiting for the next fish I would meet up with the bugs and birds and and the trees and sky. Unlike my brother who hated to stand in the rain waiting for the next fish I found contentment being this close to nature even though at my young age I didn't realize the importance of it.

Actually there are many pages and chapters of my life that I truly loved. I met thousands of people and came to love many of them. And unlike some people who never venture far from home I was fortunate to get to travel 2 million miles back and forth across the USA. I saw it all and I will never forget any of it!

There are many things I would do differently if I could do them over again, and there are some things I wish I could do over and over again! But today to spend my precious time reliving all the mistakes I've made in the past 70 years just for the sake of a book..well, I don't have that much time regardless of how many more years I live and no book would hold all of my mistakes anyway!

So as strange as it may sound I have divorced my past. This doesn't mean I will ever forget it..

This doesn't mean it isn't a part of me..but what it means is I'm merely moving on to the next chapter. It's today..this chapter..the final chapter that has my full attention. Times are tough in our world today and as a senior trying to survive financially and mentally it isn't easy, but as a senior I'm still trying to recover from the shock of the "golden years" not being what I thought they would be.

One day you wake up realizing your life is never going to be what it once was. It's not that your life is over but what once was no longer is. It used to be that you never ran out of places to go, things to do or people to see. It was tiring if nothing else but it was your life and as productive as you were you spent little time on yourself but mostly for the sake of someone else. It was a trucker who once said, "Pat, when are they going to do something for you?" That was 20 years ago but I still hear him saying it.

Your life before the final chapter was when you had everything but time. Everybody had something they wanted you to do for them! Today, 70 yrs more or less later you find that all you have is time because there are few, if any, who need you to do anything! At first retirement is great. It's a time to relax. A time to be free. Finally time to do what you want to do. Finally a time for yourself. But soon you're bored. Your days are too long. Even tripping through Wal-Mart becomes merely exercise and it's no longer entertaining. You really don't have anything to do and you often catch yourself staring out the window in a daze remembering the places you've been, the things you've done, the people you've known and you hear yourself asking what the hell happened to change my life to this!!

I used to wonder about my mother. I would come downstairs in the mornings to find her standing at the sink just staring out the kitchen window. Some mornings she would stand

there way too long, and I would glance over at her and think "what a waste of time!" Little did I know!

My mother had a way of making me feel guilty for everything including her standing there doing nothing! In spite of this I would always try to brighten her day by suggesting we go to lunch or shopping or anywhere but her answer was always the same, no. I guess she was more content just standing there reliving her past.

I could never understand it. I loved life. I had lots of things to do. I would never waste hours doing nothing! She must have hated me because sometimes I would even say to her what people now say to me, "Why don't you get a life!" Her answer to me was oh yeah, sure..like I can just go out and get a life! Well, now living on $800 a month social security and having to pay $4 for a gallon of gasoline I can't go out searching for a life either! The only difference between us is she stood at the window in silence. When I stare out the window you can probably hear me screaming .."Where the sam hill did my life go?"

There's a certain amount of shock involved when one day you realize your kids have grown up to live their own lives, and not necessarily with you. Your accessible family now consists of only a few. You lay in the bed in the morning oftentimes wondering what you've done to deserve another day! Regardless you realize you have been blessed with another 24 hours of life minus a few hours for sleep if you're lucky when the phone rings. It's the doctor's office calling to schedule your next appointment! The gal asks which day would work best for you and all of a sudden you feel the shock. You answer saying ANY DAY will work. ANY DAY? Yep, any day! You don't have anything scheduled for any day!

Over and over again you think about your past life. It flashes in front of your eyes whether you want it to or not. You would really rather go back to that time than to go forward by yourself.. but no way is this going to happen because not only is it impossible to return to your past but in today's world the feds would never allow it anyway!

One of the saddist moments you have to deal with in this new chapter is when you realize you have few if any friends left out there anymore..they've either moved or you've moved or they've died. You realize there is nobody out there you can invite to lunch! So you go to lunch by yourself, garage sales by yourself, shopping by yourself, to the doctor by yourself and yes, you even go to bed by yourself! This state of aloneness is oftentimes enough to do you in but you refuse to accept the fact that this is the way it's supposed to be.

What may even be more difficult for people to understand about the Golden Years is that there are times, weeks sometimes, when you find yourself with no one to talk to. Nobody calls to ask how you are today..and there's nobody you can call because who cares anyway! You realize you are in this friggin' world all by yourself and this is a shocker to say the least. You have a decision to make at this point. Are you going to sit here feeling sorry for yourself or are you to continue to exist in spite of the loneliness.

At some point the loneliness will get to you. Your primary care provider will most likely refer you to a headshrink who will try to help you get through this disaster called the golden years.

Chances are he will waste no time telling you that you need to meet new people and to "get involved!" Later you rack your brain trying to come up with anything that you might want to get involved with but let's face it..is that what you want..to be involved?

You've been involved in something most of your life and in this chapter you really hadn't planned on being involved in anything! You hear yourself telling the headshrink, "Yes, I suppose I could get involved in something," but all the way home you are thinking no way..no more involvement for me..! This is my time for me regardless of how lonely I am..!

Someone might suggest that you "go down to the senior center because there's lots of people there you can talk to." It's all you can do to keep your mouth shut. You want to tell them to stick it! Afterall you may be 70 but you aren't done yet. You still love rock and roll and your hair isn't even grey yet. You can't see yourself spending the life you have left sitting around listening to all the ladies talking about their arthritis when you have spent day and night during the past six months trying to figure out how to ignore yours!

One thing I've found is that it's a really big blow to your existence when you finally muster the courage to admit your body is no longer fit as a fiddle. You no longer jump out of bed ready for the day. Most mornings you've got a kink in your back or a cramp in your neck and some days you can't even get out of bed! Instead of having lunch at the Chinese buffet it's a doctor appointment you have to keep. You listen as he tells you your cholesterol is out of control, your blood pressure is too high and your bones are going to break because you have osteosporosis.

You still feel pretty good in spite of all this when you leave the doctor's office but you can't help wondering if you aren't supposed to be worrying. Now, thanks to this jerk, you realize that now you could fall and break a leg, you could have a stroke and you may even end up with something even more serious because of your cholesterol level. The stress of learning about his discoveries is enough to make you sicker than even you could imagine.

Nevertheless you have to hit the drug store for more pills! You know how it goes.."Just take these pills and come back in a month, and if you have any problems just give me a call." And you leave this guy's office hearing yourself say well, fella, you didn't do anything to fix this problem so why would I call you if I had more problems? Considering all you have found wrong if I'm still alive next month I'll try to get back to you..maybe!

The doctor tells you you have to change your diet...afterall, as he put it, you aren't a young chick anymore. Who the hell does he think he is? Is he trying to say you are old? Well, this is one of the times when you contemplate suicide. Why go on? No more biscuits and gravy. No more chocolate cheesecake. No more Chinese buffets? No more stroganoff? No more Big Macs? And this guy gives you a wad of pills and expects you to survive to live a healthier life?

Is this guy..this doctor..off his rock? He doesn't want you to merely change your diet. He wants you to change your entire life! You wish you had never gone to him in the first place because all of a sudden his opinion has eliminated everything left that's important to you including Carl Jr.'s spicy chicken sandwich that has come to be a staple of your existence.

Now, thanks to this guy who is obviously still practicing medicine, you will be dining on yogurt filled with "live creatures," soy milk that you can hardly swallow and asparagus. You hated asparagus when you were a kid and you still hate it but according to him, it's either eat it or die!

In this chapter you find that instead of being able to throw on a sweater and run to the store like you've always done for years .. you wonder if you'll be able to make it across the street to the shopping center. You also realize how unimportant housecleaning really is because you can sit for days doing nothing and your apartment still looks great! So why bother, right?

Also, you no longer stand in front of the mirror in the mornings admiring the person you have become. Instead you stand there asking yourself how the hell this could happen to me ..you know..the wrinkles, the sagging cheeks, the obviously permanent dark circles under your eyes. After a few tears and a short stint with the magnifying glass you tell the mirror to take a flying leap, and you head for the kitchen and your morning coffee screaming all the way down the hall..how could this be happening to me? My body is dying but I'm still alive! You make it out to the patio with your coffee but suddenly it's like somebody hits you on the head with a hammer.

You finally get the message..it's too late for Olay!